A girl with God and a lot of yeses in the middle

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

One month today

At this time one month ago I arrived at my new home.  I wept myself to sleep that night.  Not cried myself to sleep.  Wept.  I slept with my team leader in her bed, or tried to sleep.  The next day I bought my own mattress, on the side of the road.  I wept myself to sleep again.  One month ago Haiti was so painful.  It only reminded me of what I wasn't doing.  I wasn't sitting around my parents round dinner table, I wasn't distracting people at the church offices, I wasn't going to get fro yo with my friends, and I wasn't watching my nieces grow (one's in belly right now).  I was here, and it hurt, deeply hurt.

Today I don't cry as much.  I speak a little bit of creole; enough to tell the two ladies who work for us, "don't by conch, I don't like it."  I can catch a motorcycle and tell them to take me to the UN base for lunch.  I've been to a UN base.  I understand Haitian currency, a different story but it's extremely confusing.  I've been to Port-Au-Prince and back twice.  I have a room that feels like a Haven, but more than anything else I am loved, accepted, and delighted in, by the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.


He is why I am here.  He is why I would be anywhere.  This pain thing has been a very interesting thing to go through.  I've never really done it before.  Pain that hurts so bad without physically hurting.  This morning while I was spending time with Jesus I felt like he just asked me to listen to Him for a while.  He showed me a movie of sorts in my mind.  I saw him reach out his hand and invite me to take his hand.  What he was inviting me into wasn't a necessarily pleasant picture.  All I could see was a fire.  A blazing hot fire that filled me with fear.  Again I just saw him reach out his hand to invite me.  I took his hand knowing that with his perfect love all fear is cast out. As I entered the fire it burned and his hand lead me farther and farther to the center of this fire.  As I walked farther into the fire layers of stuff fell off of me.  It got burned up, but as it burned I became more and more beautiful.  In this image I was amazed at my own beauty.  I then reached the center where the flame had turned blue.  In the heat of the fire I was no longer holding his hand, rather He was cradling me.  I was like a baby in his arms, and he was covering me.

I had an interesting revelation or realization.  The only way to really know him in the most intimate way that I can is to ALWAYS say yes to his invitation for me, even when all I can see is a big scary blazing fire.  His cradling presence is only accessible through risking it all in obedience to Him. In obedience to Him you find Him to be closer than you could have ever imagined.

Over the past few days I also think I've had a little bit of breakthrough from my sadness.  On Sunday afternoon I spent about an hour just thanking God for bringing me to Haiti.  One month ago I was not saying thank you, I was asking to go back home.  The breakthrough was this.  Haiti is the best place for me to be right now and I actually believe this.  If I were anywhere else in the world today I would not be experiencing the best that God has for me today, and I would not be experiencing Him the way I am.

He never withholds his best, and even when it doesn't feel like His best, I believe in faith that He is God and I am not.

1 month down, and only more adventure to come.


  1. I think I will read this again in the future and identify with it more...
    thank you for sharing. love you amanda!

  2. I know what you mean. I think I cried more in my first week here than in my entire life. Actually on the plane ride alone I think I cried more than in my entire life. Poor Romanian man next to me.