A girl with God and a lot of yeses in the middle

Sunday, April 29, 2012

I'm a little confused

You either have or haven't noticed that I'm not exactly following my blog posting plan.  To be honest I don't have much to say these days.  Stories of goats & pigs obstructing traffic don't seem funny to me anymore, and well I'm so much more at rest and comfortable here that I'm not having the same kinds of emotional revelations from God that I was.

It's different now, and I'm a little confused.  This weekend I had one of the most relaxing weekends since moving here and it all happened in Haiti, not out of Haiti.  In the day to day grime of living here sometimes I forget about the reality of the kingdom, shocking I know I'm supposed to be a "missionary."  When the pipe gets clogged, the generator shuts off, riots are happening in Port-Au-Prince, and nothing seems to be working I get stuck in what I can see.  This morning while lying in a comfortable peaceful hammock I was reminded once again by the King of Kings that there is nothing, no one, and no nation that is beyond the redemption of God.  The heart of God is always to redeem what is broken.  This weekend I was able to experience Haiti in a way where there seemed to be no brokenness.  I ate a wonderful lunch at a restaurant seated on a bay south of Leogane.  I had glorious conversation with two really dear friends that gave me words to the things I think about, and the kingdom seemed bigger again.  The King became who He already is again in my mind.  Although I get stuck in what I see, reality is actually found in what I can't see.

Sometimes it's hard to live here and not because it's hot but because the foreign community gets tired, irritable, and negative about everything that hasn't happened since the earthquake.  I'm right there in the middle of it.  But the reality is, God is at work redeeming, healing, and setting people free.  I've seen it in the ones & two's and I am confident that where I see it at work in the few, the time is coming in for the masses, and this is true globally.  No matter if you are an individual, a family, or a nation God is at work to heal you, restore you, set you free, and bring you into LIFE!  There is redemption for all peoples, all tribes, and all tongues, no one is beyond the cross, even if you can't see how to get there.

I've also started to become very confused lately.  During this weekend of rest I had a shocking reality check.  I am not who I was.  I am still Amanda, but something is distinctly different about who I am now and who I was a little over a year ago.  Because of this, I'm now confused about who I will be.  As we were eating lunch yesterday I realized, I prefer this special meal at this restaurant to the option of being able to eat at a restaurant whenever I want to.  I prefer to have a trip to the grocery store be an exciting and special outing than for it to be part of my weekly routine.  I prefer to visit the United States, not live there.  I prefer challenges over comfort (after the fact, in the middle I want to get out of dodge).  I prefer my team and the relationships I've made here over the masses of acquaintances I could have or did have.  I prefer a narrow simple life to a broad option filled life.  I have become very confused with my preferences.  I am not who I was.  I have been given a new name, but I don't know what it is.  I'm confused about who I am.  I'm me, and I'm unconditionally & radically loved by God.  I am his, this I know.  But, I'm confused by my characteristics.  I don't do things spontaneously, but I did yesterday.  I am calculated in every plan I make, but here I ride the wave.  I don't like camping, but I was so sad when our camping trip was cancelled for this weekend.  Like I said; I'm confused and I'm ruined.  I don't think I can live with my old normal again.  No matter where I go in the earth after Haiti, normal will have a new definition.

I'm confused and full of hope.  There is more than what I can see, and God is at work in this nation & in my life in deeper ways than I can put words to or even recognize.  What I'm hoping is that I've been ruined for a life that is Kingdom, and not just foreign.  I hope that I along with Haiti am coming into an identity that is shaped by definitions that can only be found in Kingdom vocabulary & in Kingdom ways.  I don't want to be just another foreigner here, and I don't want to just have been changed and shaped by an experience away.  I want to have entered a new way because I've seen more & embraced more of a more real Kingdom that I can't see.  I want to see the Kingdom I've excavated and found more of manifest itself in this nation, so that as a nation a new name would be given as well.  A new mandate from Heaven, a new destiny, and a calling that is for the redemption of nations.

I'll never be the same & I don't think Haiti will be either.

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