A girl with God and a lot of yeses in the middle

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Weakness, Strength, new humility

This past weekend I had one of the best experiences to have had before leaving for Haiti.  I can't go into great detail, but as a Haiti team we spent the weekend basically camping (not in an rv).  It was really hard.  I was really tired and at many points felt very weak, useless, and like a failure.  You see before this weekend I did not know how to or had never:

1. Peed in the wilderness
2. Started a fire with wood
3. Seen a chicken be killed, then eat it
4. Break firewood for my own survival
5. Sleep outside
6. Walk everywhere

I am American.  I am very American.  I like water, I like food, I like showers, I like malls, I like Starbucks, I like Target (a lot), I like America.  As many internal or poltical problems as we have, life in America is very easy.  We don't think about a lot of things.  We just exist with an ease.  I eat because I eat.  This weekend our team experienced a very different life.  We had to work really hard to eat, to drink, to sleep, to choose grace, to choose humility.  As you know I'm from Plano.  I've never camped, and I don't want to.  This weekend I felt like I had very little to contribute to my team.  The only things I could do were carry heavy things and watch other people to do what I wanted to be a master at.  It broke something in me.  I love God and many people would say that I have a very deep relationship with him, but I am one weak person.  Just like I watched and learned from my team member Gabe how to start a fire and cook over it, I will have to learn from the Haitian people.

Before this weekend our senior pastor asked our team what we were most excited about and most nervous about.  I selfishly was most worried about me.  I am worried about my own emotional stability as I move.  I can do america really well.  In fact, I fit here really well.  They systems, the logic, the economic enterprise, all of this I do well.  One of my team members fits in Haiti more.  I am excited to learn from her, but oh the pride that will be washed away.  In my perception she makes sense there, I don't.  I will have to be a learner every day.  I will have to be ok with my weakness.  I am a very weak person.  It was just one weekend, but the revelation is immense.  I think, I pray, that I will be chewing on this for a very long time.  I'm not a good writer, so it's hard to express this in written word.  Maybe one day I will talk about it with you.  I don't know, but I am different. Lord I repent.  For thinking I am better than Haiti, and for thinking that in some way I've risen above America by moving to Haiti.  I am a weak soul who you've chosen.  Mold me. Shape me. Direct me.  You are the lover of my soul and I will follow you to the ends of the earth.  Thank you that you've said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

God you are my grace and my salvation.  I am excited to do this with you, make me a humble learner, leader, and follower.

1 comment:

  1. Amanda,

    You may find your weaknesses but you are not weak! What a brave, strong, faithful person you are! Bless you for knowing you have weaknesses and shortcomings and striving to learn!